Post by Sergeant Macdonald on May 16, 2010 16:54:45 GMT -5
Would like to thank an Adam 12 fan site for these. 
A few Jokes for you.
Jim's Joke Book
No Adam-12 site would be complete without good clean cop jokes, and since Jim Reed was the source of more cornball jokes than anyone on the show, who better to maintain the joke archives than that master of telling a joke so badly that no one laughs but Brinkman, Jim Reed. If you have a good (or so bad it's funny) clean cop joke, email me and I'll pass it along to Jim. As soon as he quits laughing, or trying to figure out why Pete didn't laugh at it, he'll post it for you.
So this little guy walks into a bar . . . oops, I said I was gonna quit telling that one, didn't I? Too chancy.
- Jim
New!
A police officer was sent to talk to a man about his dog.
"I'm sorry, Sir, but we've received a complaint stating that your dog has been chasing a man on his bicycle." "That's ridiculous, officer" the man replied, "My dog doesn't even own a bicycle."
- submitted by Brenda
Subject: "What to do if 911 is busy"
As I was getting into bed the other night, my wife told me I had left the light on in the garage. She could see light coming through the bedroom window. As I got up to shut the curtain (rather than go outside to shut off the stupid light), I saw there were 2 guys taking things from my garage. I immediately called 911, but was told that they didn't have anyone "in the area at this time," but would send someone over as soon as possible. I said OK, hung up, and waited one minute. Then I called 911 again. I said, "I called you a minute ago because there was someone in my garage. Well, you don't have to worry about that now because I just shot them."
Within two minutes there were 3 cruisers in front of my house, a SWAT van
and the paramedics.
They immediately apprehended the burglars. However, the lieutenant was
really mad & said "I thought you said you'd shot them!"
I replied, "I thought you said there was nobody available."
-- submitted by Linda R.
A police patrol unit parked outside a local bar. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles the man managed to find his own car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started the car, switched the wipers on and off, even though it wasn't raining, flicked the hazard flasher on and off and tooted the horn. He switched on the lights and moved the vehicle forward a few feet, then he backed the car up and remained stationary as more patrons left in their vehicles. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the street. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, started up his patrol car, put on his flashing lights and promptly pulled the man over. He gave the man a breathalyzer test and to his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all. Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," the man replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."
-- submitted by Kimberly
Criminal Do's and Don't's . . .
reprinted from GCFL (http://www.gcfl.net)
If you plan to commit a crime and run from the police on foot...
*Do* pick a more subtle color to wear than bright yellow pants.
*Don't* invite a uniformed police officer into your home to chat
about a crime you witnessed if you have dope on the table in plain
view.
When you go on a burglary spree *Do* ensure you have enough gas in
your vehicle to drive away from your crime scene.
"But I know the people who live here" is *Not* a valid justification
for burglarizing the neighbors' house when they are out of town.
When an officer is demonstrating a field sobriety test *Don't* say,
"Well, I can't do that sober!" on camera, and then plead not guilty.
If you are going to steal a car *Do* pick one that will blend in
traffic better than a pearl white six door limo.
*Don't* answer a question with the phrase, "Who me?" when you and
the officer are the only people in a ten mile radius.
*Don't* repeat the question that the officer just asked. It's
considered a stall technique and it gives away the fact you are
getting ready to lie through your teeth.
*Don't* say, "I ain't got no dope. Why you wanna search my car?"
before the officer even introduces himself/herself on the traffic
stop.
*Do* pick an alias you can spell before you lie to the police about
your name.
*Do* ensure the birthday you give matches the age you give when
lying about your birthday.
When you attempt to drop your dope on the ground when approached by
an officer, *Don't* bounce said dope off the toe of the officer's
boot.
*Do* come up with something better to say than, "These aren't my
pants" when the officer finds dope or any other contraband in your
pocket.
If you are going to jump into a stranger's fenced back yard *Do*
make sure a police K-9 vehicle is not parked in the driveway.
*Don't* ask an off duty plain clothes officer in his privately owned
vehicle for a ride away from your crime scene.
If you leave your pants, car, and ID at a crime scene, the cops
*Will* probably be able to figure out who dunnit.
- submitted by Brenda
New! CHP Trooper
The Pope has just finished a tour of Napa Valley and
is taking a limousine to San Francisco. Having never
driven a limo, the Pope asks the chauffeur if he might
drive for a while. Well, the chauffeur doesn't have
much choice, so he climbs in the back of the limo and
the Pope takes the wheel.
The Pope proceeds down Silverado, and starts
accelerating to see what the limo can do. He gets to
about 90 mph, and suddenly he sees the red and blue
lights of a CHP cruiser in his mirror. He pulls over
and the trooper comes to the window.
The trooper, seeing who it is, says, "Just a moment
please, I need to call in."
The trooper calls in and asks for the Chief. He tells
the Chief that he's got a REALLY important person
pulled over, and asks how to handle it.
"It's not Ted Kennedy again, is it?" asks the Chief.
"No, Sir!" replies the trooper, "This guy's more
important."
"Is it the governor?"
"No! Even more important!"
"Is it the PRESIDENT?"
"No! Even more important!"
"Well, WHO THE HECK is it?" screams the Chief.
"I don't know, Sir," replies the trooper,"but he's got
the Pope as his chauffer!"
- submitted by Erica
Top Ten Signs You've Watched One Too Many Episodes Of
"Adam-12":
10. You can spout off the dialogue before the character
can.
9. You recognize victims in "Adam-12" on other tv
shows.
8. If you're a police officer you hum the theme song to
"Adam-12" on every run.
7. You try to spell out the license plates of the cars
ahead of you.
6. You watched the news report of the North Hollywood
shootout and realised you were looking for Adam-12.
5. When an officer asks you for a license plate number
you embarrass yourself by spelling out the letters.
4. On the highway you pretend to be in pursuit of the
car ahead of you.
3. You tend to know more about police procedures than
the real cops.
2. You call your kids in for code 7.
1. When police fail to catch a suspect you think to
yourself, "Malloy and Reed would've caught him!"
- submitted by Dixie L.
Reckless Speeding...
A police officer pulls a Texan over for speeding, and they have the
following exchange:
Officer: "May I see your driver's license?"
Driver: "I don't have one. It was suspended when I got my 5th DUI."
Officer: "May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?"
Driver: "It's not my car. I stole it."
Officer: "The car is stolen?"
Driver: "Yes sir. But come to think of it, I believe that I saw the
owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: "There's a gun in the glove box?"
Driver: "Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the
woman who owned this car."
Officer: "You killed the owner of this car?"
Driver: "Yes, sir... and I stuffed her body in the trunk,"
Officer: "There's a body in the trunk ?!?"
Driver: "Yes, sir."
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. Within
minutes, the car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain
approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: "Sir, can I see your license?"
Driver: "Sure. Here it is."
The captain quickly verifies that the license is valid.
Captain: "Who's car is this?"
Driver: "It's mine, officer. Here's my owner's card."
The captain cross checks state records verifying that the driver
owned the car.
Captain: "Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if
there's a gun in it?"
Driver: "Yes, officer, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: "Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said
there's a body in it."
Driver: "No problem."
The trunk is opened; and, except for a spare tire, it is completely
empty.
Captain: "I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you
told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the
glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk of your car."
Driver: "Yeah, and I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too!"
- submitted by Kathy Caballero
Two policemen were having a lunch break at a diner. Since they didn't do much overtime they brought their own sandwiches and ordered soda. The owner saw this and became concerned so he addressed them. "Look, fella's, I'm glad you're coming here to eat--it makes the customers feel safe and all. But I wish you wouldn't eat your own food." The two officers looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders, and traded their sandwiches.
- submitted by Dixie L.
You Know You've Been a Cop Too Long If . . .
* You can recite the dunkin donuts menu, complete with price including tax...
* The department tells you they're trading in your cruiser and you get teary eyed...
* You tell your best friend to 10-54 you at your 10-20...
* Your children play Cops and Perps...
* You have a takedown light on your Cavalier station wagon...
* Your wife keeps reminding you Kevlar is too expensive to use as siding...
* Someone steals home plate at your kids little league game, and you takedown and arrest them for theft...
* You call your service weapon "Baby", and your wife by her given name...
* You respond to a felony flight to avoid, only problem is it's 2 counties away and you're home in bed...
* You have night sights installed on your hood ornament...
* "You" get pulled over for speeding, and you jump out with your citation book to write the officer for following too closely...
* The Chief of Police is the son of your training instructor...
* Galls has you listed as a proud sponser of their merchandise...
* Hollywood studios call you for advice on police shows...
* You watch COPS, and laugh your butt off...
- submitted by C. Twitty, former Reserve Officer
If an officer approaches you, don't say, "I swear to drunk I'm not God!"
- submitted by Christine Guerard
Detective Training
Three guys were pulled out of detective training for special attention, because they were not very bright. The police chief was interrogating them to determine if they were smart enough to become detectives. If not, they couldn't continue with the training. Things had not gone well so far.
To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first detective a picture for five seconds and then hides it.
"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture only shows his PROFILE."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for five seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second guy laughs, rolls his eyes and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his PROFILE! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm... the suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well that is an interesting answer... wait here a few minutes while I check this file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes into his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow, I can't believe it..it's true! The suspect does in fact wear contacts. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy," the guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
- submitted by Kathy Caballero
A jeweler watched as a huge truck pulled up in front of his store. The back came down and an elephant walked out. It broke one of the windows with its tusk and then, using its trunk like a vacuum cleaner, sucked up all of the jewelry. The elephant then got back in the truck, and it disappeared out of sight.
When the jeweler finally regained his senses he called the police. The detectives came and he told them his story.
"Could you describe the elephant?" the cop asked.
"An elephant is an elephant," he replied. "You've seen one, you've seen them all. What do you mean 'describe' him?"
"Well," said the policeman, "there are two types of elephants, African and Indian. The Indian elephant has smaller ears and is not as large as the African elephant."
"I can't help you out," said the frustrated jeweler. "He had a stocking pulled over his head."
- submitted by SJ Stiers
Another real-life dumb criminal
An armed man robbed a convenience store at gunpoint, demanding all the cash in the drawer, then demanding a case of beer from behind the counter. The clerk gave him the money, but told him he couldn't let him have the beer because he was a minor. The man sputtered and protested, but the clerk refused to give him the beer.
"You'll have to show me some ID before I can give it to you."
Disgusted, the robber pulled out his wallet and showed the clerk his driver's license. The clerk gave him the beer, then sent the cops to the man's home address.
- submitted by Big Al
A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the goober driver. "Sir, is there a reason why you're weaving all over the road?"
The goober replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident. I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"
Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Sir... that's your air freshener."
- submitted by Barb
A policeman pulls over a carload of nuns.
Policeman: "Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway -- why are you going so slow?"
Sister: "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65."
Policeman: "Oh sister, that's not the speed limit; that's the name of the highway you're on!"
Sister: "Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful."
At this point the policeman looks in the back seat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling.
Policeman: "Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something terrible."
Sister: "Oh, we just got off of highway 121."
- submitted by L.A. Christie
Things not to do when you get pulled over:
1. Say, "What's wrong, ossifer, there's no blood in my alcohol?"
2. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to race.
3. When he talks to you, pretend you're deaf.
4. If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say, "No, my speedometer only goes to......"
5. Ask if you can see his gun.
6. Touch him.
7. Ask him where he bought his cool hat.
8. Refer to him by his first name.
9. If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw yourself on the hood.
10. Ask to be fingerprinted with candy, 'cuz you don't like ink on your fingers.
11. After you sign the ticket and give it to him, say, "Oops! That's the wrong name."
12. When he comes up to the car, say, "License and registration, please," right when he says it.
13. When he goes to read you your rights, sing "La La La, I can't hear you!"
14. Trip and fall into him.
15. Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away.
16. Before you sign the ticket, pick your nose. Then ask to use his pen to sign the ticket.
17. Chew on the pen, nervously.
18. Clean your ear with the pen.
19. If it's a click pen, take it apart and play with the spring.
20. When he's telling you what you did wrong, start repeating him, quietly.
21. Mumble to yourself.
22. When he comes to the car, say, "I have a badge just like yours!"
23. Ask if ever watched 'Cop Rock.'
24. Giggle if he did.
25. Talk to your hand.
26. When he frisks you, say, "You missed a spot" and grin.
27. When he asks to look inside your car, say, "There's no alcohol in my car, sir, the last cop got it."
28. Try to sell him your car.
29. Ask if you can buy his car.
30. If he takes you to the station, ask to sit in front.
31. Play with the siren.
32. If there is someone else in the car, talk to each other in tongues.
33. When he acts confused, keep talking, look at him and laugh.
34. If you're in the back, touch his neck through the fencing.
35. Turn your head and whistle.
36. Or, after he sticks you in the back of the car, cower in the corner, suck your thumb, and whine.
37. Stare at his lights and say, "Look at the pretty colors!"
38. Say, "Yeah, you can see my license and registration, officer, but could you hold my beer for a minute?"
39. Say, "I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket."
40. If he gives you a warning, say, "Gee, officer! That's terrific. The police officer yesterday only gave me a warning too!"
- Compiled and submitted by Jennifer from various sources
Nine ways NOT to start your police report
(From American Police Beat)
1. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times ...
2. The names contained in this report have been changed to protect the innocent ...
3. The mayor then made an illegal left hand turn onto Mulraney at which point I opened fire...
4. Before I get into the details, I've got a few "shout-outs" for my homeys in the command staff ...
5. It was so dark and wet that night you could almost eat the mist. The radio call penetrated the eerie silence with such piercing intensity that for a moment, I was sure I'd lost my mind...
6. Got call. Responded. Arrested bad guy. The end.
7. Mye pertnar an eye wher on petrol wen we seen a man act suspishushly...
8. The suspect then tried to assualt me by repeatedly slamming his face into my fist...
9. A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away ...
- submitted by Jennifer; originally appeared on link [www.gcfl.net]
A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat. He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Mike, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?"
"That it is," Mike replied grimly, "ever since I arrested Judge Brown on his way to the masquerade ball."
"You mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat.
"How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?" demanded Mike.
"Well," mused Pat, "'tis life and there's a lesson in this somewhere."
"That there is," replied Mike. "'tis wise never to book a judge by his cover."
- submitted by Jennifer; originally appeared on link [www.gcfl.net]
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup."
- submitted by Jennifer; originally appeared on link [www.gcfl.net]
Little Billy's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station. While there, they saw pictures tacked to a big bulletin board. The label clearly read, "The 10 Most Wanted." One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman, "the detectives want him very badly."
So little Billy asked, "Um, mister, why didn't you keep them when you took their pictures?"
- submitted by Jennifer; originally appeared on link [www.gcfl.net]
A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following exchange takes place....
The man says: "What's the problem officer?"
Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 65."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80."
[Man gives his wife a dirty look.]
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."
Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks."
[Man gives his wife a dirty look.]
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."
Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt."
Man turns to his wife and yells: "Shut your mouth, woman!"
Officer turns to the woman and asks: "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
Wife says: "No, only when he's drunk."
- submitted by Jennifer; originally appeared on link [www.gcfl.net]
A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching for speeders. But one day, everyone was under the speed limit. The officer found the problem: a 10-year-old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand-painted sign which said, "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's accomplice, another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket at his feet, full of change.
- submitted by Jennifer; originally appeared on link [www.gcfl.net]
True story from Mesa, Az...
Attorney: "Officer, how far was the defendant's vehicle in front of you?"
Officer: "Approximately one-half mile."
Attorney: "Can you see clearly for one-half mile?"
Officer: "Yes."
Attorney: "Well, officer, I doubt that you can clearly see an incident that is occuring one-half mile away. Suppose you tell us all again just how far you can see!"
Officer: "Well, sir, on a clear night, all the way to the moon."
- submitted by Jennifer
A man is going down the road and gets pulled over by a highway patrolman. When the officer gets up to the car, he tells the man that he was speeding. The man isn't surprised because he is always speeding. While the highway patrolman is standing there, he sees that the man has 9 huge knives in the back seat. He asks him what they are for, and the man tells him that they are for his act - he's a juggler.
The patrolman doesn't believe him and tells him to prove it, so the man gets out of the car and starts to juggle the knives. At the same time, two men drive by and witness the goings-on. One of the men looks at the other man and says, "Man, I sure am glad I quit drinking. Those sobriety tests these days are rough!"
-submitted by Jennifer
These next two aren't cop jokes, but Jim laughed so hard he just about couldn't breathe when he read them, so I figured I better put them up. Jim' Joke box
A string walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender says, "We don't serve strings in this bar. Leave and don't come back." The string leaves the bar and walks around the corner. He ties himself in a double overhand and frizzles his ends. He re-enters the bar, walks up to the bartender and requests a drink. The bartender peers closely at him and asks "Aren't you that string that was in here a few minutes ago?" The string replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot."
- submited by Greyselchie
Two guys walked into a bar ... the third one ducked.
- submitted by Joanne Thompson
Real-life dumb criminal:
A robber walks into a liquor store, puts a twenty dollar bill on the counter, and asks for change for the twenty. As soon as the clerk opens the cash register, the robber pulls out a hand gun and demands all the money in the cash register. The clerk gives the robber the money in the register, and the robber leaves, leaving the twenty dollar bill still on the counter. There was only fifteen dollars in the cash register.
- submitted by Officer Doc
A few Jokes for you.
Jim's Joke Book
No Adam-12 site would be complete without good clean cop jokes, and since Jim Reed was the source of more cornball jokes than anyone on the show, who better to maintain the joke archives than that master of telling a joke so badly that no one laughs but Brinkman, Jim Reed. If you have a good (or so bad it's funny) clean cop joke, email me and I'll pass it along to Jim. As soon as he quits laughing, or trying to figure out why Pete didn't laugh at it, he'll post it for you.
So this little guy walks into a bar . . . oops, I said I was gonna quit telling that one, didn't I? Too chancy.
- Jim
New!
A police officer was sent to talk to a man about his dog.
"I'm sorry, Sir, but we've received a complaint stating that your dog has been chasing a man on his bicycle." "That's ridiculous, officer" the man replied, "My dog doesn't even own a bicycle."
- submitted by Brenda
Subject: "What to do if 911 is busy"
As I was getting into bed the other night, my wife told me I had left the light on in the garage. She could see light coming through the bedroom window. As I got up to shut the curtain (rather than go outside to shut off the stupid light), I saw there were 2 guys taking things from my garage. I immediately called 911, but was told that they didn't have anyone "in the area at this time," but would send someone over as soon as possible. I said OK, hung up, and waited one minute. Then I called 911 again. I said, "I called you a minute ago because there was someone in my garage. Well, you don't have to worry about that now because I just shot them."
Within two minutes there were 3 cruisers in front of my house, a SWAT van
and the paramedics.
They immediately apprehended the burglars. However, the lieutenant was
really mad & said "I thought you said you'd shot them!"
I replied, "I thought you said there was nobody available."
-- submitted by Linda R.
A police patrol unit parked outside a local bar. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles the man managed to find his own car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started the car, switched the wipers on and off, even though it wasn't raining, flicked the hazard flasher on and off and tooted the horn. He switched on the lights and moved the vehicle forward a few feet, then he backed the car up and remained stationary as more patrons left in their vehicles. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the street. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, started up his patrol car, put on his flashing lights and promptly pulled the man over. He gave the man a breathalyzer test and to his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all. Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," the man replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."
-- submitted by Kimberly
Criminal Do's and Don't's . . .
reprinted from GCFL (http://www.gcfl.net)
If you plan to commit a crime and run from the police on foot...
*Do* pick a more subtle color to wear than bright yellow pants.
*Don't* invite a uniformed police officer into your home to chat
about a crime you witnessed if you have dope on the table in plain
view.
When you go on a burglary spree *Do* ensure you have enough gas in
your vehicle to drive away from your crime scene.
"But I know the people who live here" is *Not* a valid justification
for burglarizing the neighbors' house when they are out of town.
When an officer is demonstrating a field sobriety test *Don't* say,
"Well, I can't do that sober!" on camera, and then plead not guilty.
If you are going to steal a car *Do* pick one that will blend in
traffic better than a pearl white six door limo.
*Don't* answer a question with the phrase, "Who me?" when you and
the officer are the only people in a ten mile radius.
*Don't* repeat the question that the officer just asked. It's
considered a stall technique and it gives away the fact you are
getting ready to lie through your teeth.
*Don't* say, "I ain't got no dope. Why you wanna search my car?"
before the officer even introduces himself/herself on the traffic
stop.
*Do* pick an alias you can spell before you lie to the police about
your name.
*Do* ensure the birthday you give matches the age you give when
lying about your birthday.
When you attempt to drop your dope on the ground when approached by
an officer, *Don't* bounce said dope off the toe of the officer's
boot.
*Do* come up with something better to say than, "These aren't my
pants" when the officer finds dope or any other contraband in your
pocket.
If you are going to jump into a stranger's fenced back yard *Do*
make sure a police K-9 vehicle is not parked in the driveway.
*Don't* ask an off duty plain clothes officer in his privately owned
vehicle for a ride away from your crime scene.
If you leave your pants, car, and ID at a crime scene, the cops
*Will* probably be able to figure out who dunnit.
- submitted by Brenda
New! CHP Trooper
The Pope has just finished a tour of Napa Valley and
is taking a limousine to San Francisco. Having never
driven a limo, the Pope asks the chauffeur if he might
drive for a while. Well, the chauffeur doesn't have
much choice, so he climbs in the back of the limo and
the Pope takes the wheel.
The Pope proceeds down Silverado, and starts
accelerating to see what the limo can do. He gets to
about 90 mph, and suddenly he sees the red and blue
lights of a CHP cruiser in his mirror. He pulls over
and the trooper comes to the window.
The trooper, seeing who it is, says, "Just a moment
please, I need to call in."
The trooper calls in and asks for the Chief. He tells
the Chief that he's got a REALLY important person
pulled over, and asks how to handle it.
"It's not Ted Kennedy again, is it?" asks the Chief.
"No, Sir!" replies the trooper, "This guy's more
important."
"Is it the governor?"
"No! Even more important!"
"Is it the PRESIDENT?"
"No! Even more important!"
"Well, WHO THE HECK is it?" screams the Chief.
"I don't know, Sir," replies the trooper,"but he's got
the Pope as his chauffer!"
- submitted by Erica
Top Ten Signs You've Watched One Too Many Episodes Of
"Adam-12":
10. You can spout off the dialogue before the character
can.
9. You recognize victims in "Adam-12" on other tv
shows.
8. If you're a police officer you hum the theme song to
"Adam-12" on every run.
7. You try to spell out the license plates of the cars
ahead of you.
6. You watched the news report of the North Hollywood
shootout and realised you were looking for Adam-12.
5. When an officer asks you for a license plate number
you embarrass yourself by spelling out the letters.
4. On the highway you pretend to be in pursuit of the
car ahead of you.
3. You tend to know more about police procedures than
the real cops.
2. You call your kids in for code 7.
1. When police fail to catch a suspect you think to
yourself, "Malloy and Reed would've caught him!"
- submitted by Dixie L.
Reckless Speeding...
A police officer pulls a Texan over for speeding, and they have the
following exchange:
Officer: "May I see your driver's license?"
Driver: "I don't have one. It was suspended when I got my 5th DUI."
Officer: "May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?"
Driver: "It's not my car. I stole it."
Officer: "The car is stolen?"
Driver: "Yes sir. But come to think of it, I believe that I saw the
owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: "There's a gun in the glove box?"
Driver: "Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the
woman who owned this car."
Officer: "You killed the owner of this car?"
Driver: "Yes, sir... and I stuffed her body in the trunk,"
Officer: "There's a body in the trunk ?!?"
Driver: "Yes, sir."
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. Within
minutes, the car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain
approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: "Sir, can I see your license?"
Driver: "Sure. Here it is."
The captain quickly verifies that the license is valid.
Captain: "Who's car is this?"
Driver: "It's mine, officer. Here's my owner's card."
The captain cross checks state records verifying that the driver
owned the car.
Captain: "Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if
there's a gun in it?"
Driver: "Yes, officer, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: "Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said
there's a body in it."
Driver: "No problem."
The trunk is opened; and, except for a spare tire, it is completely
empty.
Captain: "I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you
told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the
glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk of your car."
Driver: "Yeah, and I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too!"
- submitted by Kathy Caballero
Two policemen were having a lunch break at a diner. Since they didn't do much overtime they brought their own sandwiches and ordered soda. The owner saw this and became concerned so he addressed them. "Look, fella's, I'm glad you're coming here to eat--it makes the customers feel safe and all. But I wish you wouldn't eat your own food." The two officers looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders, and traded their sandwiches.
- submitted by Dixie L.
You Know You've Been a Cop Too Long If . . .
* You can recite the dunkin donuts menu, complete with price including tax...
* The department tells you they're trading in your cruiser and you get teary eyed...
* You tell your best friend to 10-54 you at your 10-20...
* Your children play Cops and Perps...
* You have a takedown light on your Cavalier station wagon...
* Your wife keeps reminding you Kevlar is too expensive to use as siding...
* Someone steals home plate at your kids little league game, and you takedown and arrest them for theft...
* You call your service weapon "Baby", and your wife by her given name...
* You respond to a felony flight to avoid, only problem is it's 2 counties away and you're home in bed...
* You have night sights installed on your hood ornament...
* "You" get pulled over for speeding, and you jump out with your citation book to write the officer for following too closely...
* The Chief of Police is the son of your training instructor...
* Galls has you listed as a proud sponser of their merchandise...
* Hollywood studios call you for advice on police shows...
* You watch COPS, and laugh your butt off...
- submitted by C. Twitty, former Reserve Officer
If an officer approaches you, don't say, "I swear to drunk I'm not God!"
- submitted by Christine Guerard
Detective Training
Three guys were pulled out of detective training for special attention, because they were not very bright. The police chief was interrogating them to determine if they were smart enough to become detectives. If not, they couldn't continue with the training. Things had not gone well so far.
To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first detective a picture for five seconds and then hides it.
"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture only shows his PROFILE."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for five seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second guy laughs, rolls his eyes and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his PROFILE! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm... the suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well that is an interesting answer... wait here a few minutes while I check this file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes into his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow, I can't believe it..it's true! The suspect does in fact wear contacts. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy," the guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
- submitted by Kathy Caballero
A jeweler watched as a huge truck pulled up in front of his store. The back came down and an elephant walked out. It broke one of the windows with its tusk and then, using its trunk like a vacuum cleaner, sucked up all of the jewelry. The elephant then got back in the truck, and it disappeared out of sight.
When the jeweler finally regained his senses he called the police. The detectives came and he told them his story.
"Could you describe the elephant?" the cop asked.
"An elephant is an elephant," he replied. "You've seen one, you've seen them all. What do you mean 'describe' him?"
"Well," said the policeman, "there are two types of elephants, African and Indian. The Indian elephant has smaller ears and is not as large as the African elephant."
"I can't help you out," said the frustrated jeweler. "He had a stocking pulled over his head."
- submitted by SJ Stiers
Another real-life dumb criminal
An armed man robbed a convenience store at gunpoint, demanding all the cash in the drawer, then demanding a case of beer from behind the counter. The clerk gave him the money, but told him he couldn't let him have the beer because he was a minor. The man sputtered and protested, but the clerk refused to give him the beer.
"You'll have to show me some ID before I can give it to you."
Disgusted, the robber pulled out his wallet and showed the clerk his driver's license. The clerk gave him the beer, then sent the cops to the man's home address.
- submitted by Big Al
A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the goober driver. "Sir, is there a reason why you're weaving all over the road?"
The goober replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident. I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"
Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Sir... that's your air freshener."
- submitted by Barb
A policeman pulls over a carload of nuns.
Policeman: "Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway -- why are you going so slow?"
Sister: "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65."
Policeman: "Oh sister, that's not the speed limit; that's the name of the highway you're on!"
Sister: "Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful."
At this point the policeman looks in the back seat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling.
Policeman: "Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something terrible."
Sister: "Oh, we just got off of highway 121."
- submitted by L.A. Christie
Things not to do when you get pulled over:
1. Say, "What's wrong, ossifer, there's no blood in my alcohol?"
2. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to race.
3. When he talks to you, pretend you're deaf.
4. If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say, "No, my speedometer only goes to......"
5. Ask if you can see his gun.
6. Touch him.
7. Ask him where he bought his cool hat.
8. Refer to him by his first name.
9. If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw yourself on the hood.
10. Ask to be fingerprinted with candy, 'cuz you don't like ink on your fingers.
11. After you sign the ticket and give it to him, say, "Oops! That's the wrong name."
12. When he comes up to the car, say, "License and registration, please," right when he says it.
13. When he goes to read you your rights, sing "La La La, I can't hear you!"
14. Trip and fall into him.
15. Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away.
16. Before you sign the ticket, pick your nose. Then ask to use his pen to sign the ticket.
17. Chew on the pen, nervously.
18. Clean your ear with the pen.
19. If it's a click pen, take it apart and play with the spring.
20. When he's telling you what you did wrong, start repeating him, quietly.
21. Mumble to yourself.
22. When he comes to the car, say, "I have a badge just like yours!"
23. Ask if ever watched 'Cop Rock.'
24. Giggle if he did.
25. Talk to your hand.
26. When he frisks you, say, "You missed a spot" and grin.
27. When he asks to look inside your car, say, "There's no alcohol in my car, sir, the last cop got it."
28. Try to sell him your car.
29. Ask if you can buy his car.
30. If he takes you to the station, ask to sit in front.
31. Play with the siren.
32. If there is someone else in the car, talk to each other in tongues.
33. When he acts confused, keep talking, look at him and laugh.
34. If you're in the back, touch his neck through the fencing.
35. Turn your head and whistle.
36. Or, after he sticks you in the back of the car, cower in the corner, suck your thumb, and whine.
37. Stare at his lights and say, "Look at the pretty colors!"
38. Say, "Yeah, you can see my license and registration, officer, but could you hold my beer for a minute?"
39. Say, "I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket."
40. If he gives you a warning, say, "Gee, officer! That's terrific. The police officer yesterday only gave me a warning too!"
- Compiled and submitted by Jennifer from various sources
Nine ways NOT to start your police report
(From American Police Beat)
1. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times ...
2. The names contained in this report have been changed to protect the innocent ...
3. The mayor then made an illegal left hand turn onto Mulraney at which point I opened fire...
4. Before I get into the details, I've got a few "shout-outs" for my homeys in the command staff ...
5. It was so dark and wet that night you could almost eat the mist. The radio call penetrated the eerie silence with such piercing intensity that for a moment, I was sure I'd lost my mind...
6. Got call. Responded. Arrested bad guy. The end.
7. Mye pertnar an eye wher on petrol wen we seen a man act suspishushly...
8. The suspect then tried to assualt me by repeatedly slamming his face into my fist...
9. A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away ...
- submitted by Jennifer; originally appeared on link [www.gcfl.net]
A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat. He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Mike, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?"
"That it is," Mike replied grimly, "ever since I arrested Judge Brown on his way to the masquerade ball."
"You mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat.
"How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?" demanded Mike.
"Well," mused Pat, "'tis life and there's a lesson in this somewhere."
"That there is," replied Mike. "'tis wise never to book a judge by his cover."
- submitted by Jennifer; originally appeared on link [www.gcfl.net]
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup."
- submitted by Jennifer; originally appeared on link [www.gcfl.net]
Little Billy's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station. While there, they saw pictures tacked to a big bulletin board. The label clearly read, "The 10 Most Wanted." One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman, "the detectives want him very badly."
So little Billy asked, "Um, mister, why didn't you keep them when you took their pictures?"
- submitted by Jennifer; originally appeared on link [www.gcfl.net]
A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following exchange takes place....
The man says: "What's the problem officer?"
Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 65."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80."
[Man gives his wife a dirty look.]
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."
Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks."
[Man gives his wife a dirty look.]
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."
Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt."
Man turns to his wife and yells: "Shut your mouth, woman!"
Officer turns to the woman and asks: "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
Wife says: "No, only when he's drunk."
- submitted by Jennifer; originally appeared on link [www.gcfl.net]
A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching for speeders. But one day, everyone was under the speed limit. The officer found the problem: a 10-year-old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand-painted sign which said, "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's accomplice, another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket at his feet, full of change.
- submitted by Jennifer; originally appeared on link [www.gcfl.net]
True story from Mesa, Az...
Attorney: "Officer, how far was the defendant's vehicle in front of you?"
Officer: "Approximately one-half mile."
Attorney: "Can you see clearly for one-half mile?"
Officer: "Yes."
Attorney: "Well, officer, I doubt that you can clearly see an incident that is occuring one-half mile away. Suppose you tell us all again just how far you can see!"
Officer: "Well, sir, on a clear night, all the way to the moon."
- submitted by Jennifer
A man is going down the road and gets pulled over by a highway patrolman. When the officer gets up to the car, he tells the man that he was speeding. The man isn't surprised because he is always speeding. While the highway patrolman is standing there, he sees that the man has 9 huge knives in the back seat. He asks him what they are for, and the man tells him that they are for his act - he's a juggler.
The patrolman doesn't believe him and tells him to prove it, so the man gets out of the car and starts to juggle the knives. At the same time, two men drive by and witness the goings-on. One of the men looks at the other man and says, "Man, I sure am glad I quit drinking. Those sobriety tests these days are rough!"
-submitted by Jennifer
These next two aren't cop jokes, but Jim laughed so hard he just about couldn't breathe when he read them, so I figured I better put them up. Jim' Joke box
A string walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender says, "We don't serve strings in this bar. Leave and don't come back." The string leaves the bar and walks around the corner. He ties himself in a double overhand and frizzles his ends. He re-enters the bar, walks up to the bartender and requests a drink. The bartender peers closely at him and asks "Aren't you that string that was in here a few minutes ago?" The string replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot."
- submited by Greyselchie
Two guys walked into a bar ... the third one ducked.
- submitted by Joanne Thompson
Real-life dumb criminal:
A robber walks into a liquor store, puts a twenty dollar bill on the counter, and asks for change for the twenty. As soon as the clerk opens the cash register, the robber pulls out a hand gun and demands all the money in the cash register. The clerk gives the robber the money in the register, and the robber leaves, leaving the twenty dollar bill still on the counter. There was only fifteen dollars in the cash register.
- submitted by Officer Doc